Drained

More than anything, I find myself feeling completely and utterly exhausted at the end of each work day. It's as if the life is being sucked right out of me, my energy being drained. I'm not sleeping well, and having nightmares each night. The nightmares can mostly be attributed to other things, but work does find a way to haunt my dreams.

I wonder how long it will take me to 'de-program' myself. I want to forget every policy, forget every acronym, every marketing line. I don't want to 'put the shazam in the cha-ching', and I don't want to 'shop victoriously'. I just want the end to come, and for my life to move forward. I will however really miss my friends, and it is difficult to think that all of these people, are people I will no longer see or speak to on a daily basis.

I'm not concerned about those I'm really close to, I'm sure we will find a way to stay in touch. More so, the people that I am not really close to, but enjoy interacting with. The people I really like, but due to various circumstances of life, may never see again after all of this. That is a weird feeling. It's also weird to think that this group of people, once very much connected by this one idea, this one location, one job, will no longer be connected in any way.

That not only will I no longer be there, and my friends will no longer be there, that it will simply just cease to exist. I may sound stoned; I'm not. I just find this to be a very difficult concept to grasp, a mind-blowing revelation, and a debilitating thought. It will all just cease to exist. Not just the bad, but the good, and the awesome. Gone. If I may, I'd like to be melodramatic for a moment and say that it reminds me of that famous quote from Star Wars: "I feel a great disturbance in the Force. As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced".

I'm tired of putting any sort of emotional energy in, because I'm surely not gaining anything in return. In fact, if this was a friendship, most people would recognize it as a toxic friendship, or an emotional vampire, and urge me to cut it loose. I put in -just- enough to get by on a daily basis, in the hopes that it won't take anything more out of me.

And I suppose, in the end, that's what it's all about - surviving.

I just wish I didn't feel so damn exhausted all the time.

Just Another Ordinary Day

Today was one of those days, where I wanted to be anywhere but at work. My heart was not it in. I was threatened with legal action twice. That is actually a good day, believe it or not! I will say this; since we have been laid off, me and my coworkers have gotten to talking more, mostly about non-work related stuff. I have gotten to know so many more people, and learned so much about those I call friends. So I guess this could be considered a silver lining?

Some of the conversations we have are priceless. Laugh out Loud, abdomen-hurting priceless. Being at work after being laid off is almost like everyone being drunk at work - personalities change, and people are much, much more laid back. They're also more likely to offer information about themselves they may not have otherwise revealed. Inhibitions decrease, and we do have a good amount of fun, when we aren't busy doing the job we hate, or thinking about the 'future'.

Nothing out of the ordinary happened, we all went about our business, and I was sleepy for most of the day. I spent a significant amount of time staring out the window to my right, it has an amazing view.

Duped

It's slowly starting to sink in. Things are not how it should be with this company, and while it's been something I've occasionally ranted about in bitter fashion, after a crappy day, there used to be good days that would make me reconsider my position on this.

First and foremost, I understand that I am completely biased. Obviously, most people would feel animosity towards a company that has laid them off. And I certainly do. But the disenchantment period, if you will, started long before the layoff announcement. And a lot of us were feeling it. For some it was as plain as the nose on their face, for others, it was a more subtle sensation, like something hiding behind you in the shadows, quietly clawing at your hair.

And I feel rather ridiculous. I mentioned in my first post, that I bought into this company with 'emotional fervor'. And I truly did. I've worked for some horrible companies in my time. Companies that did not disguise anything from it's employees, day one was all about how to scam the customer. And I found that these are not places I excelled at; when I was not willing to sacrifice my morals to tow the company line, I was either canned, or chose to find employment elsewhere. Sales is a great example. I am horrible at sales. I have no interest in convincing someone to buy something they don't need, and sometimes can't afford. I worked two sales jobs, and I will never go back. The practices employed, taught, and encouraged at companies like these, are in one word, despicable. The sales staff, in my old profession, always shiny and slick looking, better dressed and often more attractive than most in the retail field, have sold their souls for one commission at a time. Honestly, these people are so 'put together' looking, that for a while I was just happy to be hired, and to be considered one of them. I figured the person that had hired me hadn't been wearing their glasses the day of my interview, because I didn't fit it. At that time, I bit my nails, my hair is often unkempt looking (not for lack of trying, however) and I had no previous sales experience.

So when someone I knew was hired at this new (to me) company, and I heard about how awesome it was, I wanted in. I read a book about the company, how it was founded, how it came to be, and what it's position and corporate mantra was. I was totally smitten, this is where I wanted to work.

Now here was a company I could really believe in! They really cared about their customers! They teach it, and preach it, every day, in our training. The atmosphere was great, people were friendly, and I was finally proud of my job. I looked forward to coming in to work! Holy crap! When people asked what I did for a living, I never hesitated to tell them. The company had a cool, hip vibe to it, and everyone was curious. What exactly did I do? How long had I been there? And how could they get a job there?

Over time, the veneer started to fade and thin. And I think some of it was the natural emotional progression of working for a large company, but some of it were the changes being made. Policy change after policy change, ignoring the angry feedback pouring in from customers, and ignoring the thoughts, and feedback, from those that worked on the 'front lines'. The executives had lost touch, and in a big way. Things started to slide.

The company's reputation tarnished, it's numbers dropped, and they started implementing new policies out of desperation. Always based on 'accurate market research', and never the overwhelming feedback of the customers, surely that could not be correct or viable feedback. I'm starting to run out of steam for the evening, and this is turning into a sloppy ramble, so I'll get to the point.

I feel duped.

Like someone pulled the wool over my eyes. I was just so desperate to work for a company that was different, that cared, that made a difference, that I bought in with full force. And I feel sort of like what an ex-cult member might feel like. Foolish, embarrassed, and totally ridiculous. They really had me. Am I that impressionable? Is it possible that the company really was all of these things when I first started? And then, with leadership change, the foundation just started to crack? I'd really like to believe so.

Because thinking that I bought into something that just wasn't there, is a difficult concept for me to face. In some ways, it's really sad the way things are going. I would like to say that I don't get some small pleasure out of the shit storm that is starting, or the fact that it looks like everything may just fold in on itself. But unfortunately, I am not that big of a person. I suppose this is an area of 'personal development' for me to work on. Because it honestly makes me smirk a bit. Sometimes, it makes me outright laugh. And I do get a little bit of pleasure out of just how big a mess this all really is.

But I'm burnt out. Burnt out on trying to make a difference, trying to stress a point to a company that is clearly no longer listening, and has decided we aren't wanted or needed. Many of my coworkers are currently working on training our replacements. If that isn't fucked up, I don't know what is. I'm told that it's actually fairly common. THAT is fucked up. That this shit is common. And things just are not organized. It's starting to shape up a little bit, but it's still a complete gong show.

I don't know where things are going with this company, or how it will all unfold, but I do know that as much as I hate it, I'll always be watching. I don't think we will ever be able to fully deprogram ourselves. I'm hoping I'm wrong on this, and it will vary from person to person. But whether it's passion, sadness, or bitterness, everyone will always have strong feelings towards this company.

And that's all I've got for tonight.

Atmospheric Changes and Preassure Fronts

It's been a significant amount of time since I've posted. I find this statement to be funny for two reasons. First, it's as if I'm assuming someone has actually read this. Second, it's as if I'm pretending that someone read this, and was interested enough to wonder when the next entry would be. Hah! And yet, I write as if I have an audience. Figure that one out.

Things at work have been tough. Good, Bad, Tough, Demoralizing. Some days are better than others, and not surprisingly, some people are handling this better than others. I am guessing I fall somewhere in the middle, but this may simply be due to my lack of ability to objectively evaluate exactly where I stand.

We come in, we do our work, we leave. It's not exactly that simple however; I still have not found the right balance between caring too much and just not giving a crap. I will say this: I feel as if me, and my coworkers, are the walking dead, the undead, if you will. This may sound outrageous, but I have my reasons. When taking the bus to work, sitting amongst all of those strangers also on their way to work, going about their lives, I feel as if I am living in a separated reality. See, they all go to work, and in doing so, are living their lives, moving forward, even if in a dead-end job. We are the working dead, the people who have jobs, and don't, at the same time.

When we go to work, we are waiting, waiting for the end. Waiting for a new beginning, but mainly, waiting for the end. Things are stagnant, we aren't moving forward, and it feels like running on a treadmill - exerting yourself beyond belief, but not getting anywhere at all. It's almost like we're working in a bubble. Sure, we could leave early. But most of us have yet to figure out our exact paths. I don't know about others, but before the announcement that we were to be laid off, I knew my path. Or I thought I did.

What I'm experiencing is probably what Alice felt, during a scene from Disney's adaptation of the famous Lewis Carrol novel. She's wandering through the forest, already feeling a little bit lost, only to discover that the path she was on had been erased entirely, both in front of her, and behind her. All that remained of it, was the little spot she was standing on.

And yet, I've started to develop a plan, one that I should have quite possibly be following all along. Somehow, I got lost, somewhere along the way I became distracted and lost sight of things. I am scared and excited about it, all at once. What is that famous saying? Something about how if it doesn't scare you a little bit, it isn't worth doing? Or if it doesn't scare you, it's too safe and you're not pushing yourself hard enough? I can't quite recall.

So back to the atmosphere at work. It's inexplicably indescribable in many cases. I go to work, and I'm met with a wry sense of humor, a bitter and disenchanted attitude, and a sadness that seems to permeate through the walls and seep under the doorways. We do try to turn things around, mostly through fun events and meetings. But really, who are we kidding? All we can do, is distract ourselves during these last days.

I want my last day to come so badly, and yet I know I will be bawling like a baby once it's here. It's such an odd sensation, to wish so desperately for the end and dread it all at once. It will mark the end of an amazing journey, a period in my life that I will always look back on and be thankful for the friends I made, for how it shaped me as a person, and for the life lessons it taught me. And I imagine, for a while, it will all be much too painful to revisit in any way.