Drained

More than anything, I find myself feeling completely and utterly exhausted at the end of each work day. It's as if the life is being sucked right out of me, my energy being drained. I'm not sleeping well, and having nightmares each night. The nightmares can mostly be attributed to other things, but work does find a way to haunt my dreams.

I wonder how long it will take me to 'de-program' myself. I want to forget every policy, forget every acronym, every marketing line. I don't want to 'put the shazam in the cha-ching', and I don't want to 'shop victoriously'. I just want the end to come, and for my life to move forward. I will however really miss my friends, and it is difficult to think that all of these people, are people I will no longer see or speak to on a daily basis.

I'm not concerned about those I'm really close to, I'm sure we will find a way to stay in touch. More so, the people that I am not really close to, but enjoy interacting with. The people I really like, but due to various circumstances of life, may never see again after all of this. That is a weird feeling. It's also weird to think that this group of people, once very much connected by this one idea, this one location, one job, will no longer be connected in any way.

That not only will I no longer be there, and my friends will no longer be there, that it will simply just cease to exist. I may sound stoned; I'm not. I just find this to be a very difficult concept to grasp, a mind-blowing revelation, and a debilitating thought. It will all just cease to exist. Not just the bad, but the good, and the awesome. Gone. If I may, I'd like to be melodramatic for a moment and say that it reminds me of that famous quote from Star Wars: "I feel a great disturbance in the Force. As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced".

I'm tired of putting any sort of emotional energy in, because I'm surely not gaining anything in return. In fact, if this was a friendship, most people would recognize it as a toxic friendship, or an emotional vampire, and urge me to cut it loose. I put in -just- enough to get by on a daily basis, in the hopes that it won't take anything more out of me.

And I suppose, in the end, that's what it's all about - surviving.

I just wish I didn't feel so damn exhausted all the time.