Mindset Shift

I find that I function better late at night. Not so late that fatigue has set in, but late enough that the 'clutters of the day' have cleared away, yielded to cool night air and silence in the streets, and a general feeling of calm has descended upon the evening.

I'm starting to reach the outer circle of fatigue at this moment, but I felt compelled to 'scribble' something down before I decided to succumb to that feeling and fall into bed.

I have been, since the layoff announcement, holding on to a certain level of bitterness. OK, perhaps that is an understatement, it's been fairly significant. Aside from envy or jealousy, bitterness is arguably one of the more shallow, useless, and unproductive emotions. It achieves nothing, it sours your general attitude towards life, and it puts a damper on your mood that is quite visible to others. It can even cause you to be so unpleasant that others actively avoid you if at all possible. The cartoon illustration of a little storm cloud hovering over your head is quite apt in this case, because being continuously bitter may be as close as you can get to this in the real world.

This bitterness really is not working out for me. There are various other things that have recently transpired to make my life difficult in the personal realm, and clinging to a deep-rooted feeling of anger and frustration in the professional realm of my life is making it much too difficult to properly handle these other 'events' or 'problems'.

So it's time to let it go. It's time to take a deep breath, and move on. I disliked 70% of my job before the layoff announcement. I've discussed this quite a bit. I think that perhaps some of this bitterness is really caused by a childish, bruised ego. How dare they force me out? I was going to leave. I was going to leave and show 'them' (not sure who I'm referring to there, but I'll still use the term anyways. Perhaps it could be argued that 'them' represents the company) that not only would I be happier elsewhere, I would shave greater success, as well. But now, they are the party that did the leaving, the dumping, the breaking up, if you will. And my pride is shot, and my ego bruised. Instead of admitting that I have succumbed to this most ridiculous line of thought, and instead of facing the immature meanings that lie behind this feeling, I channel it into bitterness. Because that's a lot easier to admit to.

Another cause of all of the bitterness, I think, is fear. Fear of the future. I've noticed that a lot of my coworkers that aren't nearly as bitter, or openly disgusted by the recent turn of events, seem to have more optimism or confidence regarding the future. So, sadly, once again, it seems that this feeling is just an emotion I'm using to mask a possible personal shortcoming. Because I certainly see the 'Future' as a frightening prospect. Don't think that I'm all doom and gloom, and fearfulness, because I do have my moments of optimism, or moments where I am downright excited about whatever is to come, because I do. But they're certainly not as frequent as I would like them to be.

So in identifying these two likely causes of my bitterness, I should be able to successfully eradicate it, and channel my energy into something more positive and productive. I think it may help to examine what I have gained during my time with this company, both in physical or monetary assets, and intangibles that are still of significant value. So in no particular order, here is The List of All I Have Gained:

- the financial stability, and financial means to purchase my first piece of property
- the knowledge that I am more than capable of climbing the corporate ladder
- real world interview skills; the promotion interviews within this company for certain positions can be exceptionally tough, and long compared to others
- a somewhat healthy financial nest-egg in the form of RRSPs, half of which was contributed by the company's RRSP 'matching' program where they pretty much handed us free money
- a limited amount of stock, which admittedly really isn't worth a lot at the moment
- a deeply ingrained sense of camaraderie with my co-workers and peers. This is perhaps the one thing that everyone will miss. The friendships I have formed while working there are among some of the friendships that I most value. It really has been an amazing journey, as cliche and over-used as that statement is.
- a greater level of self confidence. I have skills and abilities that are appealing, skills such as avery deep level of empathy that I would have previously thought of as useless in the corporate world. But it is this exact skill that helped me to stand out on many an occasion, and even a promotion in one instance.

I'm surely missing a few things, but really, that's not a bad list. In fact, it's a pretty good one. Above all, I gained my first insight into how a very large corporation is run, the way it functions within, and the natural 'evolution' of a company like this. Previously, I had no such experience. It's been a very, very eye-opening encounter to say the least.

So this is me, making an active decision to focus on a healthier mentality, and to let go of the bitterness that is really doing nothing but holding me back and pulling me under. I'm sure that I will experience the occasional relapse, but at this very moment - I feel lighter. Like I have had a large weight lifted from my shoulders.

This means that I can really start to focus on 'moving on', and focus on what is ahead of me, instead of what I'm leaving behind.

And that, is a very good thing.

Duped

It's slowly starting to sink in. Things are not how it should be with this company, and while it's been something I've occasionally ranted about in bitter fashion, after a crappy day, there used to be good days that would make me reconsider my position on this.

First and foremost, I understand that I am completely biased. Obviously, most people would feel animosity towards a company that has laid them off. And I certainly do. But the disenchantment period, if you will, started long before the layoff announcement. And a lot of us were feeling it. For some it was as plain as the nose on their face, for others, it was a more subtle sensation, like something hiding behind you in the shadows, quietly clawing at your hair.

And I feel rather ridiculous. I mentioned in my first post, that I bought into this company with 'emotional fervor'. And I truly did. I've worked for some horrible companies in my time. Companies that did not disguise anything from it's employees, day one was all about how to scam the customer. And I found that these are not places I excelled at; when I was not willing to sacrifice my morals to tow the company line, I was either canned, or chose to find employment elsewhere. Sales is a great example. I am horrible at sales. I have no interest in convincing someone to buy something they don't need, and sometimes can't afford. I worked two sales jobs, and I will never go back. The practices employed, taught, and encouraged at companies like these, are in one word, despicable. The sales staff, in my old profession, always shiny and slick looking, better dressed and often more attractive than most in the retail field, have sold their souls for one commission at a time. Honestly, these people are so 'put together' looking, that for a while I was just happy to be hired, and to be considered one of them. I figured the person that had hired me hadn't been wearing their glasses the day of my interview, because I didn't fit it. At that time, I bit my nails, my hair is often unkempt looking (not for lack of trying, however) and I had no previous sales experience.

So when someone I knew was hired at this new (to me) company, and I heard about how awesome it was, I wanted in. I read a book about the company, how it was founded, how it came to be, and what it's position and corporate mantra was. I was totally smitten, this is where I wanted to work.

Now here was a company I could really believe in! They really cared about their customers! They teach it, and preach it, every day, in our training. The atmosphere was great, people were friendly, and I was finally proud of my job. I looked forward to coming in to work! Holy crap! When people asked what I did for a living, I never hesitated to tell them. The company had a cool, hip vibe to it, and everyone was curious. What exactly did I do? How long had I been there? And how could they get a job there?

Over time, the veneer started to fade and thin. And I think some of it was the natural emotional progression of working for a large company, but some of it were the changes being made. Policy change after policy change, ignoring the angry feedback pouring in from customers, and ignoring the thoughts, and feedback, from those that worked on the 'front lines'. The executives had lost touch, and in a big way. Things started to slide.

The company's reputation tarnished, it's numbers dropped, and they started implementing new policies out of desperation. Always based on 'accurate market research', and never the overwhelming feedback of the customers, surely that could not be correct or viable feedback. I'm starting to run out of steam for the evening, and this is turning into a sloppy ramble, so I'll get to the point.

I feel duped.

Like someone pulled the wool over my eyes. I was just so desperate to work for a company that was different, that cared, that made a difference, that I bought in with full force. And I feel sort of like what an ex-cult member might feel like. Foolish, embarrassed, and totally ridiculous. They really had me. Am I that impressionable? Is it possible that the company really was all of these things when I first started? And then, with leadership change, the foundation just started to crack? I'd really like to believe so.

Because thinking that I bought into something that just wasn't there, is a difficult concept for me to face. In some ways, it's really sad the way things are going. I would like to say that I don't get some small pleasure out of the shit storm that is starting, or the fact that it looks like everything may just fold in on itself. But unfortunately, I am not that big of a person. I suppose this is an area of 'personal development' for me to work on. Because it honestly makes me smirk a bit. Sometimes, it makes me outright laugh. And I do get a little bit of pleasure out of just how big a mess this all really is.

But I'm burnt out. Burnt out on trying to make a difference, trying to stress a point to a company that is clearly no longer listening, and has decided we aren't wanted or needed. Many of my coworkers are currently working on training our replacements. If that isn't fucked up, I don't know what is. I'm told that it's actually fairly common. THAT is fucked up. That this shit is common. And things just are not organized. It's starting to shape up a little bit, but it's still a complete gong show.

I don't know where things are going with this company, or how it will all unfold, but I do know that as much as I hate it, I'll always be watching. I don't think we will ever be able to fully deprogram ourselves. I'm hoping I'm wrong on this, and it will vary from person to person. But whether it's passion, sadness, or bitterness, everyone will always have strong feelings towards this company.

And that's all I've got for tonight.