Mindset Shift

I find that I function better late at night. Not so late that fatigue has set in, but late enough that the 'clutters of the day' have cleared away, yielded to cool night air and silence in the streets, and a general feeling of calm has descended upon the evening.

I'm starting to reach the outer circle of fatigue at this moment, but I felt compelled to 'scribble' something down before I decided to succumb to that feeling and fall into bed.

I have been, since the layoff announcement, holding on to a certain level of bitterness. OK, perhaps that is an understatement, it's been fairly significant. Aside from envy or jealousy, bitterness is arguably one of the more shallow, useless, and unproductive emotions. It achieves nothing, it sours your general attitude towards life, and it puts a damper on your mood that is quite visible to others. It can even cause you to be so unpleasant that others actively avoid you if at all possible. The cartoon illustration of a little storm cloud hovering over your head is quite apt in this case, because being continuously bitter may be as close as you can get to this in the real world.

This bitterness really is not working out for me. There are various other things that have recently transpired to make my life difficult in the personal realm, and clinging to a deep-rooted feeling of anger and frustration in the professional realm of my life is making it much too difficult to properly handle these other 'events' or 'problems'.

So it's time to let it go. It's time to take a deep breath, and move on. I disliked 70% of my job before the layoff announcement. I've discussed this quite a bit. I think that perhaps some of this bitterness is really caused by a childish, bruised ego. How dare they force me out? I was going to leave. I was going to leave and show 'them' (not sure who I'm referring to there, but I'll still use the term anyways. Perhaps it could be argued that 'them' represents the company) that not only would I be happier elsewhere, I would shave greater success, as well. But now, they are the party that did the leaving, the dumping, the breaking up, if you will. And my pride is shot, and my ego bruised. Instead of admitting that I have succumbed to this most ridiculous line of thought, and instead of facing the immature meanings that lie behind this feeling, I channel it into bitterness. Because that's a lot easier to admit to.

Another cause of all of the bitterness, I think, is fear. Fear of the future. I've noticed that a lot of my coworkers that aren't nearly as bitter, or openly disgusted by the recent turn of events, seem to have more optimism or confidence regarding the future. So, sadly, once again, it seems that this feeling is just an emotion I'm using to mask a possible personal shortcoming. Because I certainly see the 'Future' as a frightening prospect. Don't think that I'm all doom and gloom, and fearfulness, because I do have my moments of optimism, or moments where I am downright excited about whatever is to come, because I do. But they're certainly not as frequent as I would like them to be.

So in identifying these two likely causes of my bitterness, I should be able to successfully eradicate it, and channel my energy into something more positive and productive. I think it may help to examine what I have gained during my time with this company, both in physical or monetary assets, and intangibles that are still of significant value. So in no particular order, here is The List of All I Have Gained:

- the financial stability, and financial means to purchase my first piece of property
- the knowledge that I am more than capable of climbing the corporate ladder
- real world interview skills; the promotion interviews within this company for certain positions can be exceptionally tough, and long compared to others
- a somewhat healthy financial nest-egg in the form of RRSPs, half of which was contributed by the company's RRSP 'matching' program where they pretty much handed us free money
- a limited amount of stock, which admittedly really isn't worth a lot at the moment
- a deeply ingrained sense of camaraderie with my co-workers and peers. This is perhaps the one thing that everyone will miss. The friendships I have formed while working there are among some of the friendships that I most value. It really has been an amazing journey, as cliche and over-used as that statement is.
- a greater level of self confidence. I have skills and abilities that are appealing, skills such as avery deep level of empathy that I would have previously thought of as useless in the corporate world. But it is this exact skill that helped me to stand out on many an occasion, and even a promotion in one instance.

I'm surely missing a few things, but really, that's not a bad list. In fact, it's a pretty good one. Above all, I gained my first insight into how a very large corporation is run, the way it functions within, and the natural 'evolution' of a company like this. Previously, I had no such experience. It's been a very, very eye-opening encounter to say the least.

So this is me, making an active decision to focus on a healthier mentality, and to let go of the bitterness that is really doing nothing but holding me back and pulling me under. I'm sure that I will experience the occasional relapse, but at this very moment - I feel lighter. Like I have had a large weight lifted from my shoulders.

This means that I can really start to focus on 'moving on', and focus on what is ahead of me, instead of what I'm leaving behind.

And that, is a very good thing.