Mindset Shift

I find that I function better late at night. Not so late that fatigue has set in, but late enough that the 'clutters of the day' have cleared away, yielded to cool night air and silence in the streets, and a general feeling of calm has descended upon the evening.

I'm starting to reach the outer circle of fatigue at this moment, but I felt compelled to 'scribble' something down before I decided to succumb to that feeling and fall into bed.

I have been, since the layoff announcement, holding on to a certain level of bitterness. OK, perhaps that is an understatement, it's been fairly significant. Aside from envy or jealousy, bitterness is arguably one of the more shallow, useless, and unproductive emotions. It achieves nothing, it sours your general attitude towards life, and it puts a damper on your mood that is quite visible to others. It can even cause you to be so unpleasant that others actively avoid you if at all possible. The cartoon illustration of a little storm cloud hovering over your head is quite apt in this case, because being continuously bitter may be as close as you can get to this in the real world.

This bitterness really is not working out for me. There are various other things that have recently transpired to make my life difficult in the personal realm, and clinging to a deep-rooted feeling of anger and frustration in the professional realm of my life is making it much too difficult to properly handle these other 'events' or 'problems'.

So it's time to let it go. It's time to take a deep breath, and move on. I disliked 70% of my job before the layoff announcement. I've discussed this quite a bit. I think that perhaps some of this bitterness is really caused by a childish, bruised ego. How dare they force me out? I was going to leave. I was going to leave and show 'them' (not sure who I'm referring to there, but I'll still use the term anyways. Perhaps it could be argued that 'them' represents the company) that not only would I be happier elsewhere, I would shave greater success, as well. But now, they are the party that did the leaving, the dumping, the breaking up, if you will. And my pride is shot, and my ego bruised. Instead of admitting that I have succumbed to this most ridiculous line of thought, and instead of facing the immature meanings that lie behind this feeling, I channel it into bitterness. Because that's a lot easier to admit to.

Another cause of all of the bitterness, I think, is fear. Fear of the future. I've noticed that a lot of my coworkers that aren't nearly as bitter, or openly disgusted by the recent turn of events, seem to have more optimism or confidence regarding the future. So, sadly, once again, it seems that this feeling is just an emotion I'm using to mask a possible personal shortcoming. Because I certainly see the 'Future' as a frightening prospect. Don't think that I'm all doom and gloom, and fearfulness, because I do have my moments of optimism, or moments where I am downright excited about whatever is to come, because I do. But they're certainly not as frequent as I would like them to be.

So in identifying these two likely causes of my bitterness, I should be able to successfully eradicate it, and channel my energy into something more positive and productive. I think it may help to examine what I have gained during my time with this company, both in physical or monetary assets, and intangibles that are still of significant value. So in no particular order, here is The List of All I Have Gained:

- the financial stability, and financial means to purchase my first piece of property
- the knowledge that I am more than capable of climbing the corporate ladder
- real world interview skills; the promotion interviews within this company for certain positions can be exceptionally tough, and long compared to others
- a somewhat healthy financial nest-egg in the form of RRSPs, half of which was contributed by the company's RRSP 'matching' program where they pretty much handed us free money
- a limited amount of stock, which admittedly really isn't worth a lot at the moment
- a deeply ingrained sense of camaraderie with my co-workers and peers. This is perhaps the one thing that everyone will miss. The friendships I have formed while working there are among some of the friendships that I most value. It really has been an amazing journey, as cliche and over-used as that statement is.
- a greater level of self confidence. I have skills and abilities that are appealing, skills such as avery deep level of empathy that I would have previously thought of as useless in the corporate world. But it is this exact skill that helped me to stand out on many an occasion, and even a promotion in one instance.

I'm surely missing a few things, but really, that's not a bad list. In fact, it's a pretty good one. Above all, I gained my first insight into how a very large corporation is run, the way it functions within, and the natural 'evolution' of a company like this. Previously, I had no such experience. It's been a very, very eye-opening encounter to say the least.

So this is me, making an active decision to focus on a healthier mentality, and to let go of the bitterness that is really doing nothing but holding me back and pulling me under. I'm sure that I will experience the occasional relapse, but at this very moment - I feel lighter. Like I have had a large weight lifted from my shoulders.

This means that I can really start to focus on 'moving on', and focus on what is ahead of me, instead of what I'm leaving behind.

And that, is a very good thing.

Drained

More than anything, I find myself feeling completely and utterly exhausted at the end of each work day. It's as if the life is being sucked right out of me, my energy being drained. I'm not sleeping well, and having nightmares each night. The nightmares can mostly be attributed to other things, but work does find a way to haunt my dreams.

I wonder how long it will take me to 'de-program' myself. I want to forget every policy, forget every acronym, every marketing line. I don't want to 'put the shazam in the cha-ching', and I don't want to 'shop victoriously'. I just want the end to come, and for my life to move forward. I will however really miss my friends, and it is difficult to think that all of these people, are people I will no longer see or speak to on a daily basis.

I'm not concerned about those I'm really close to, I'm sure we will find a way to stay in touch. More so, the people that I am not really close to, but enjoy interacting with. The people I really like, but due to various circumstances of life, may never see again after all of this. That is a weird feeling. It's also weird to think that this group of people, once very much connected by this one idea, this one location, one job, will no longer be connected in any way.

That not only will I no longer be there, and my friends will no longer be there, that it will simply just cease to exist. I may sound stoned; I'm not. I just find this to be a very difficult concept to grasp, a mind-blowing revelation, and a debilitating thought. It will all just cease to exist. Not just the bad, but the good, and the awesome. Gone. If I may, I'd like to be melodramatic for a moment and say that it reminds me of that famous quote from Star Wars: "I feel a great disturbance in the Force. As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced".

I'm tired of putting any sort of emotional energy in, because I'm surely not gaining anything in return. In fact, if this was a friendship, most people would recognize it as a toxic friendship, or an emotional vampire, and urge me to cut it loose. I put in -just- enough to get by on a daily basis, in the hopes that it won't take anything more out of me.

And I suppose, in the end, that's what it's all about - surviving.

I just wish I didn't feel so damn exhausted all the time.

Just Another Ordinary Day

Today was one of those days, where I wanted to be anywhere but at work. My heart was not it in. I was threatened with legal action twice. That is actually a good day, believe it or not! I will say this; since we have been laid off, me and my coworkers have gotten to talking more, mostly about non-work related stuff. I have gotten to know so many more people, and learned so much about those I call friends. So I guess this could be considered a silver lining?

Some of the conversations we have are priceless. Laugh out Loud, abdomen-hurting priceless. Being at work after being laid off is almost like everyone being drunk at work - personalities change, and people are much, much more laid back. They're also more likely to offer information about themselves they may not have otherwise revealed. Inhibitions decrease, and we do have a good amount of fun, when we aren't busy doing the job we hate, or thinking about the 'future'.

Nothing out of the ordinary happened, we all went about our business, and I was sleepy for most of the day. I spent a significant amount of time staring out the window to my right, it has an amazing view.

Duped

It's slowly starting to sink in. Things are not how it should be with this company, and while it's been something I've occasionally ranted about in bitter fashion, after a crappy day, there used to be good days that would make me reconsider my position on this.

First and foremost, I understand that I am completely biased. Obviously, most people would feel animosity towards a company that has laid them off. And I certainly do. But the disenchantment period, if you will, started long before the layoff announcement. And a lot of us were feeling it. For some it was as plain as the nose on their face, for others, it was a more subtle sensation, like something hiding behind you in the shadows, quietly clawing at your hair.

And I feel rather ridiculous. I mentioned in my first post, that I bought into this company with 'emotional fervor'. And I truly did. I've worked for some horrible companies in my time. Companies that did not disguise anything from it's employees, day one was all about how to scam the customer. And I found that these are not places I excelled at; when I was not willing to sacrifice my morals to tow the company line, I was either canned, or chose to find employment elsewhere. Sales is a great example. I am horrible at sales. I have no interest in convincing someone to buy something they don't need, and sometimes can't afford. I worked two sales jobs, and I will never go back. The practices employed, taught, and encouraged at companies like these, are in one word, despicable. The sales staff, in my old profession, always shiny and slick looking, better dressed and often more attractive than most in the retail field, have sold their souls for one commission at a time. Honestly, these people are so 'put together' looking, that for a while I was just happy to be hired, and to be considered one of them. I figured the person that had hired me hadn't been wearing their glasses the day of my interview, because I didn't fit it. At that time, I bit my nails, my hair is often unkempt looking (not for lack of trying, however) and I had no previous sales experience.

So when someone I knew was hired at this new (to me) company, and I heard about how awesome it was, I wanted in. I read a book about the company, how it was founded, how it came to be, and what it's position and corporate mantra was. I was totally smitten, this is where I wanted to work.

Now here was a company I could really believe in! They really cared about their customers! They teach it, and preach it, every day, in our training. The atmosphere was great, people were friendly, and I was finally proud of my job. I looked forward to coming in to work! Holy crap! When people asked what I did for a living, I never hesitated to tell them. The company had a cool, hip vibe to it, and everyone was curious. What exactly did I do? How long had I been there? And how could they get a job there?

Over time, the veneer started to fade and thin. And I think some of it was the natural emotional progression of working for a large company, but some of it were the changes being made. Policy change after policy change, ignoring the angry feedback pouring in from customers, and ignoring the thoughts, and feedback, from those that worked on the 'front lines'. The executives had lost touch, and in a big way. Things started to slide.

The company's reputation tarnished, it's numbers dropped, and they started implementing new policies out of desperation. Always based on 'accurate market research', and never the overwhelming feedback of the customers, surely that could not be correct or viable feedback. I'm starting to run out of steam for the evening, and this is turning into a sloppy ramble, so I'll get to the point.

I feel duped.

Like someone pulled the wool over my eyes. I was just so desperate to work for a company that was different, that cared, that made a difference, that I bought in with full force. And I feel sort of like what an ex-cult member might feel like. Foolish, embarrassed, and totally ridiculous. They really had me. Am I that impressionable? Is it possible that the company really was all of these things when I first started? And then, with leadership change, the foundation just started to crack? I'd really like to believe so.

Because thinking that I bought into something that just wasn't there, is a difficult concept for me to face. In some ways, it's really sad the way things are going. I would like to say that I don't get some small pleasure out of the shit storm that is starting, or the fact that it looks like everything may just fold in on itself. But unfortunately, I am not that big of a person. I suppose this is an area of 'personal development' for me to work on. Because it honestly makes me smirk a bit. Sometimes, it makes me outright laugh. And I do get a little bit of pleasure out of just how big a mess this all really is.

But I'm burnt out. Burnt out on trying to make a difference, trying to stress a point to a company that is clearly no longer listening, and has decided we aren't wanted or needed. Many of my coworkers are currently working on training our replacements. If that isn't fucked up, I don't know what is. I'm told that it's actually fairly common. THAT is fucked up. That this shit is common. And things just are not organized. It's starting to shape up a little bit, but it's still a complete gong show.

I don't know where things are going with this company, or how it will all unfold, but I do know that as much as I hate it, I'll always be watching. I don't think we will ever be able to fully deprogram ourselves. I'm hoping I'm wrong on this, and it will vary from person to person. But whether it's passion, sadness, or bitterness, everyone will always have strong feelings towards this company.

And that's all I've got for tonight.

Atmospheric Changes and Preassure Fronts

It's been a significant amount of time since I've posted. I find this statement to be funny for two reasons. First, it's as if I'm assuming someone has actually read this. Second, it's as if I'm pretending that someone read this, and was interested enough to wonder when the next entry would be. Hah! And yet, I write as if I have an audience. Figure that one out.

Things at work have been tough. Good, Bad, Tough, Demoralizing. Some days are better than others, and not surprisingly, some people are handling this better than others. I am guessing I fall somewhere in the middle, but this may simply be due to my lack of ability to objectively evaluate exactly where I stand.

We come in, we do our work, we leave. It's not exactly that simple however; I still have not found the right balance between caring too much and just not giving a crap. I will say this: I feel as if me, and my coworkers, are the walking dead, the undead, if you will. This may sound outrageous, but I have my reasons. When taking the bus to work, sitting amongst all of those strangers also on their way to work, going about their lives, I feel as if I am living in a separated reality. See, they all go to work, and in doing so, are living their lives, moving forward, even if in a dead-end job. We are the working dead, the people who have jobs, and don't, at the same time.

When we go to work, we are waiting, waiting for the end. Waiting for a new beginning, but mainly, waiting for the end. Things are stagnant, we aren't moving forward, and it feels like running on a treadmill - exerting yourself beyond belief, but not getting anywhere at all. It's almost like we're working in a bubble. Sure, we could leave early. But most of us have yet to figure out our exact paths. I don't know about others, but before the announcement that we were to be laid off, I knew my path. Or I thought I did.

What I'm experiencing is probably what Alice felt, during a scene from Disney's adaptation of the famous Lewis Carrol novel. She's wandering through the forest, already feeling a little bit lost, only to discover that the path she was on had been erased entirely, both in front of her, and behind her. All that remained of it, was the little spot she was standing on.

And yet, I've started to develop a plan, one that I should have quite possibly be following all along. Somehow, I got lost, somewhere along the way I became distracted and lost sight of things. I am scared and excited about it, all at once. What is that famous saying? Something about how if it doesn't scare you a little bit, it isn't worth doing? Or if it doesn't scare you, it's too safe and you're not pushing yourself hard enough? I can't quite recall.

So back to the atmosphere at work. It's inexplicably indescribable in many cases. I go to work, and I'm met with a wry sense of humor, a bitter and disenchanted attitude, and a sadness that seems to permeate through the walls and seep under the doorways. We do try to turn things around, mostly through fun events and meetings. But really, who are we kidding? All we can do, is distract ourselves during these last days.

I want my last day to come so badly, and yet I know I will be bawling like a baby once it's here. It's such an odd sensation, to wish so desperately for the end and dread it all at once. It will mark the end of an amazing journey, a period in my life that I will always look back on and be thankful for the friends I made, for how it shaped me as a person, and for the life lessons it taught me. And I imagine, for a while, it will all be much too painful to revisit in any way.

The Beginning of The End

Well, I suppose I may as well jump right into it.

On May 5th, me and 699 of my coworkers were herded like cattle into a work-group area set up with a full PA system, and told that we were being laid off. Some (like myself) knew it was coming, some were completely shocked, others had predicted this ages ago. People yelled out in surprise, covered their faces with their hands, and bit their lips. I had only begun to suspect something was up when a coworker of mine called me that morning, before I had even left for work.

He spoke with a very strained, and concerned tone in his voice, one that I had literally never heard from him before. Did I know what was going on? No, actually, I didn't. But as he explained the currently unfolding events, a hard knot started to form in my stomach. He had received a phone call, asking him if there was any possible way he could come into work on his day off. No, he could not, but the call came from high up enough within our organization to cause concern. This combined with the unusual nature of the call, and he decided to give me a shout to see if I knew anything.

A quick email check yielded a very short, sparsely worded message indicating that there was to be a very important meeting today, and absolutely everyone was required to attend. In the several years I have worked for this company, there has quite literally never been such a meeting. Business must be run, regardless of what information needs to be shared within the company, so meetings are normally held in shifts. This would have to be very bad news, as good news is always shared via email. No brightly coloured graphics or fancy slogans being used in the email was another key indicator; the company is well known for their colourful email communications, and the use of even internal-only marketing slogans was often a source of humor for me and my colleagues. I would imagine, however, that most companies also market their 'brand' even to their employees these days.

The drive to work was quiet, and tense. Carpooling is normally a fun way to start the day, but today there was literally no conversation. I will absolutely admit to sitting there, tears streaming down my face, trying not to breathe too deeply to ensure I make as little noise as possible. The type of crying where you are afraid of the deep-rooted sob/sigh/gasp that can unintentionally escape during times of extreme anguish. Not just tears of stress over the idea of losing my job, losing my security and certainty in such uncertain times, but tears over being forced to leave a company I had admittedly bought in to, with emotional fervor.

Sure, over recent months, there was a growing sense of disenchantment, frustration and stress, as I often found myself personally disagreeing with new changes, or new directions we were being taken in. But as a whole, I was still clinging to the basic ideologies that the company founded itself on. I've had other jobs that were just 'jobs', but this was my first 'career', and the first company I had worked for that had a sense of fun, and uniqueness to it. If you're not sure about the differences between jobs vs careers, I would suggest that you check out Chris Rock's sketch comedy bit on this subject, it's absolutely hilarious and all too true.

During this meeting, there was standing room only with a few exceptions, and I stood staring at the ground right in front of my feet. Being fairly short, it was pointless for me to try and be able to see anything, and this was also a great way for me to avoid catching a glimpse of a shocked or upset coworker, which would probably have launched me into full out, shoulder heaving body-sobs. Instead, I was able to keep the tears mostly in check, forming a sort of meniscus effect, with only the occasional tear streaming down my cheek. Breathe in, breathe out, wait for the meeting to be over, so that we can file out of the room and all make a beeline for the bathroom.

Once the meeting was over, we were all assigned to a different area of the building, on different floors, where our direct managers would speak to us in a bit more detail. From there, we were directed to yet another area of the building, where we would collect our severance packages, lined out for us in alphabetical order. The fact that upon being hired by the company, we received coloured folders containing information such as salary, benefits, and contracts, and the fact that we were now receiving our severance information in an identical such folder, was not a detail that was lost on me.

Once we received our severence packages, we were instructed to go home. In fact, when I went to my desk, to retrieve my purse and cellphone charger, I was confronted and told in a friendly, yet firm way, that I should be leaving, and now. Security had been more than tripled in the building for the day, and they stood around, quiet and watchful, with a very overwhelming and intimidating presence. We were not to go to our desks, not to loiter about, and questioned when moving from one space to the other, regarding our intent. It was a very disconcerting feeling, being given such bad news, and then being treated in such a way that was such a drastic depart from our normal daily office atmosphere.

So we did what any well-adjusted, and emotionally mature adult would do. We went to a nearby pub and got hammered. I was drunk out of my mind by 4pm, and mostly sober by 9. We made jokes, hooted and hollered, and generaly sat around in absolute shock. One of the funniest moments of the evening came, when the waitstaff responded to the high volume of newly-laid off patrons by prominently placing a 'Help Wanted' sign at the front desk.

We moved from the pub to a friends house, watched the hockey game, and then ambled home. I have been going through what could probably be best described as the same steps of grieving. Shock, disbelief, depression, anger, numbness, and confusion have all reigned supreme these past few days. Yesterday, I came home from work, and just sat on the floor in front of our dining room table for what felt like hours, staring at the grain of our hardwood, crying.

I'm starting to do much better, and am slowly starting to feel some hope, see the positive side of all of this. But it's obviously a process, and I sometimes find myself digressing again in terms of emotions.

This blog is intended to document what I'm thinking and feeling throughout this journey, and how I handle it moving forward. I've not currently named the company in question, nor have I identified myself, but I imagine that if anyone does stumble across this blog they may easily deduce who I am or who I worked for. I haven't decided if I will attempt anonymity or not, that will be something I determine as things move forward. I want to be certain to not jeopardize my severance package, and while my name is not on this blog I will choose to still refrain from comments that may do so. Most people that think the internet is entirely anonymous are either exceptionally naive, or taking far too many precautions and going to much further lengths than I am willing to go to for an emotional outlet.

We have been told that we are to consider things 'business as usual' and most of us have at least a month and a half before our final day of work. This is a concept that everyone is struggling with. To remain emotionally entangled with the company during this time would result in a much more difficult healing process and end date, not to mention the fact that it could also be quite emotionally damaging. On the flip side, to become bitter and lazy during this strange adjustment period can result in our severance package being revoked, any sort of job reference being jeopardized, and loss of the pride we previously took in the job we were doing, and how well we did it (given the tools we had and the policies we had to adhere to, of course).

And there you have it - the beginning of the end.